Chicken Duster: Noun

By Andrew Pang ’24

The chicken duster was originally created to remove cobwebs from corners and to clear dust from vases, but over decades it has gradually evolved into a weapon when placed in the right hands.
 
Although I have never been hit by the chicken duster, just the threat of being split in half by the molecule was enough for me to cringe and crumple to the ground. One might question my composure: “Hmm, perhaps the Pangster is weak in the mind, and he is certainly not a Gangster.” Well, I’d like to see CBum, a man bigger than a Grizzly bear, stand his ground against my Grandma after he failed to finish dinner.
 
One major reason that China would win over the U.S. in a war is that a permit is needed to buy a gun, but you can buy a chicken duster at any convenience store. Assuming that one out of every two seniors in China owned a Chicken Duster, there would be well over 125 million feathered torpedoes sent at Mach 10 toward North America. It would be a horrifying spectacle, perhaps comparable to a meteor.
 
Baseball fans, be grateful that nobody thought to unite the elderly in my community and make them play baseball using chicken dusters. If this were to happen to pass the rivalry between Yankees and Red Sox would no longer exist, replaced by elderly strutting with their canes to reach first base. Wong and Tang would replace Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron in the Baseball Hall of Fame.
 
The chicken duster began as an object, a noun. It has evolved into something different, perhaps an adjective? Perhaps a verb? Whichever form it may take to best encapsulate the very essence of my culture.